Despite all of the COVID madness, this year has actually seen some positive changes for me. After five years at the same level at my job, I finally moved up. As stressful as the process of interviewing and preparing was I swear it was the happiest I had been in a long time. Maybe it is just because you get to brag about how great you are and list off all of your strengths (which is like injecting self esteem directly into your bloodstream). But more than that I think it is just a sense of accomplishment. I have lived my life believing that I am less than. I have never believed in myself. In fact I always brushed off any personal achievements as coincidence. Part of that is me giving in to the urge to wallow in self-deprecation, but I also feel like I haven't really been lifted up much in my life.
When I was a kid people would tell me all the time that I was lazy and selfish. I heard that a lot. A lot more than anyone should, especially a child. Maybe it was true. Who knows? I certainly can't travel back in time and observe young me (nor would I want to). But would it have killed any of the people who knocked me down to lift me up instead? I place so much value on leading by example. Couldn't they have done that instead? One time, someone I consider a friend told me I was a bad person. That felt like a stab to the heart.
I've said that having role models is toxic, and as much as I claim that I don't have any - I do. There are traits I admire in people: selflessness, kindness, generosity. That's what I try to emulate, but sometimes I fail. Every day I feel like I am getting closer to the person I want to be. I just wish that would happen faster than it does.
